Why Entrepreneurs Struggle with Empathy

Entrepreneurs often struggle with empathy because their minds live in the future. Vision is a strength in business. But the people around us live in the present, and relationships are built there, one day at a time.

I live in the future

I live in the future. Much like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, I feel like I’ve already lived it in some way. No, I do not own a time machine. It has more to do with the way I am.

You see, one of my strengths is vision. I can just as easily imagine what the future holds in 10 years as I can imagine what the next hour of my life might look like. And that causes problems.

Vision is what gets a company started. It lets a founder see a product before it exists and a market before anyone else notices it. It's also what pulls a founder out of the room while someone is talking to them.

The cost of vision

When your mind is always running scenarios, the person in front of you becomes one more input. You listen for what their words mean for the plan. You miss what they mean for them.

Founders feel this most at home and with their teams. A spouse wants to talk about today. An employee wants to be heard about a problem this week. The founder is already three quarters ahead, solving something that hasn't happened yet.

• You finish people's sentences because you think you know where they're going.
• You hear a problem and jump straight to a fix.
• You check your phone during dinner because tomorrow feels more urgent than tonight.
• You get frustrated when others can't see what seems obvious to you.

What empathy asks of a leader

Daniel Goleman's research on emotional intelligence, summarized in his Harvard Business Review article What Makes a Leader, lists empathy as one of five skills that separate effective leaders. He describes it as thoughtfully considering people's feelings when making decisions. That requires being present for the feelings in the first place.

Empathy doesn't mean agreeing with everyone. It means understanding where someone is before you try to move them somewhere else. That takes time, and time in the present is exactly what a future-focused mind tends to skip.

Relationships are built one day at a time

And thus brings me to my epiphany. Relationships are not built in the future. They are build by taking life one day at a time. By walking hand in hand with those around us that we love.

This is why entrepreneurs often struggle with empathy. They are living a dual life. Imaging all the alternate realities and possible scenarios ahead.

Trust works the same way at work. Teams follow leaders who show up for the hard conversation today. I wrote more about that in having vulnerable conversations at work.

How to live a little more in the present

1. Put the phone away during conversations, so the future can't interrupt.
2. Ask one more question before offering a solution.
3. Repeat back what you heard before you respond.
4. Schedule time to think about the future, so it doesn't leak into every other hour.
5. Step away from the work regularly. My trip to Miraval was a reminder of how much that helps.

None of this means giving up vision. A founder needs both. The future is where you plan the company. The present is where you build the people who will run it with you.

Vision and empathy can work together

The best founders I know use their vision to explain why today matters. They connect the work someone did this week to where the company is going. That's empathy and vision in the same conversation.

It starts with listening first. Once you understand where someone is, you can show them how they fit into the future you see. People commit to a plan when they feel seen inside it.

Skip the listening and the vision sounds like pressure. Do the listening and the same vision sounds like an invitation.

Why this matters more as the company grows

Early on, a founder's vision carries the company. As it grows, other people carry more of it. They only carry it well if they feel understood by the person who set the direction.

That's also where legacy starts. The families and companies that last are built by people who pay attention to the people beside them, as I saw on a friend's ranch.

Signs you're living too far ahead

Most founders don't notice this in themselves. The people around them do. A few signs are worth watching for.

• People stop bringing you small problems because you always turn them into big plans.
• Your team knows the five-year vision but can't tell you this quarter's priority.
• Family time feels like a break between work sessions.
• You're surprised when someone quits, even though they told you how they felt months ago.

If any of those sound familiar, the fix starts small. Slow down one conversation a day. Ask how someone is doing and wait for the full answer. Over time, people notice.

The same goes for the people you hire. A team built only of future thinkers will miss what's happening today. The strongest teams I've seen pair people who see far ahead with people who notice what's in front of them.

One question to ask today

Ask someone close to you how their week is going, and don't offer advice. Just listen and ask one follow-up question. It sounds small. For most founders I know, it's one of the hardest things to do well.

So, cut Marty a break. And as for you Marty, try to live a little more in 1985.